A little over a year ago I attempted to start a blog. It was dedicated to my recovery journey from an eating disorder. Unfortunately, that blog failed...miserably. I connected its failure to my busy schedule of interning, job searching and finishing up school. But lately I've come to realize the real reason of its demise; I was not ready to recovery. I felt like I had to show a version of myself that was 100% healthy and positive. So needless to say I never posted because most days I was miserable and relapsing. And when I would post I was forcing myself to create a character that I just wasn't, which led to feelings of being fake and guilt, which pushed me deeper into my eating disorder. I was at a stage where the eating disorder had me convinced I needed it. That I was nothing without it. That my whole survival depended on me being sick. All in all I was not ready to let go and even now in many ways I am still not ready to fully let go but I am willing to try.
Fast forward a year to today. I've had to leave my beloved Chicago and move back home. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. It literally broke my heart to leave. But I knew I had to. I needed to be around my closest family and I needed more support than I was getting on my own. While my friends in Chicago are lovely and I love them and miss them everyday, they just weren't enough and I had to come home. While living with my parents makes me feel like I've lost some of my independence, for right now it's what's best for me in the long run. I will have my full independence when I move back to the 'Windy City'.
Within the past year I have lived in the some pretty dark places when it comes to my eating disorder and mental state. It was only a few weeks before Christmas 2015 that I made the conscious and physical moves towards recovery. Because my mind is healthier I find myself drawn back to the idea of a blog to document (even if only for myself) my true journey to recovery. I realize now I am going to mess up and relapse is inevitable but that's part of recovery. Just because I mess up today doesn't mean the mistake follows me into tomorrow. I stronger than I was last year, just like last year I was stronger than my past selves. There are going to be ups and downs. The information had been presented to me in the past over and over but because I wasn't ready to get better I wasn't ready to accept it and implement it in my own life. My mind was not in a sound place. I wasn't ready to accept the information as truth but within just the past two months my mind has been opened. I have been able to just accept all this knowledge for what it is; the truth.
but necessary chapter.
Peace & Love,
The Punk Rock Vegan
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