The Road to Recovery........

I wish I could say I'm 100% "cured" of my eating disorder and that here's the list of things I learned through recovery and here are the struggles I faced along the way. Unfortunately, I am only in the beginning stage of recovery and I know I have a long way to go, most likely several years. And I am aware it will be an on going battle for the rest of my life. I have struggled with disordered eating, various eating disorders and flawed mentality about weight, food, nutrition and health for nearly 15 years. THAT'S OVER HALF MY LIFE!!! There have been countless times in the past where I have said "I need to get better" "I don't want to live like this""This is it. I have to get over this" and other related phrases, however even though I would try to recover I would always relapse. Why? Because at those times in my life even though I knew I was destroying my life and I would say all those things along the line of "I have to get better", I didn't really want to nor did I believe it was possible.

So what changed? Answer: I finally woke up. I poured myself into learning and researching proper nutrition and health but not obsessing over "clean eating". I would (and still do) daily watch vegan Youtubers explain and go over the science and the facts of how to eat a vegan diet properly. Years ago I watched Freelee the banana girl and I thought she was bat shit crazy. But then this past winter (2015) I started really watching her videos and actually listened to what she was saying and suddenly it all made sense! The very next day I adopted a high carb low fat diet. Fruit has always been one of my favourite foods and it was only when I started eating it in abundance that I realized how little I had been eating before. Eating so much fruit made me realize that I am capable of eating so much more than I had been and also that it won't make me feel heavy or weighed down. Eating fruits has also helped with my dehydration problem. I am well aware I do not drink nearly enough water as I should but by consuming so much fruit and actually drinking some water throughout the day my digestion has improved so much more than I ever thought it would. After years of laxative abuse I can finally poop on my own and I am not embarrassed to say so.

Another form of motivation I encountered that pushed me towards serious recovery was when a friend of my sister suggested I check out the Facebook page, Recovery Warriors and the app Rise Up, that accompanies the page. I started following every recovery page on Facebook and re-posting the encouraging posts and harsh truths posted by these pages. By doing so I was admitting to every single one of my friends on Facebook that I have a problem and here's the deadly truth about eating disorders. Amongst my friends are several family members who did indeed ask me about whether I had an eating disorder. Before, I did my best to not let anyone in my family know other than my immediate family; parents and siblings but suddenly became clear to me that in order for full recovery to occur I needed to be completely honest and open. By doing so I was slowly becoming free.

The Rise Up app helped me track what I ate and how I felt during the day, so I could see the connection between negative emotions and a binge/purge episode. For the first time I could see which feelings triggered a binge. Guilt, shame, frustration and feelings of selfishness and anxiety were the most reoccurring feelings on the same days as a binge. It helped me be more aware of my feelings. It helped me finally see the vicious cycle of restrict, slip up, feelings of failure, binge, purge and finally guilt, which starts the whole cycle of over again. 

As I fell deeper into my eating disorder I lost sight of my spirituality, which at one time was one of the most defining aspects of my life. Choosing recovery made me look into approaching the process in a way similar to addiction recovery, since eating disorders have been classified as an addiction. I looked into the 12 Steps. Part of the 12 Steps is admitting there is a power bigger than myself and that I must put my life and my addiction in the hands of this greater power and trust that I will be taken care of. Even though as I progressed I found the 12 Steps didn't work for me I held onto the fact I wasn't in this alone and my eating disorder needed to be in the hands of god. This led me to discover the 12 Promises which I still to this day recite every morning along with a meditation. The 12 Promises have been my mantra and have given me the opportunity to regain my spirituality. 

I want to live the next 15 years of my life no longer a slave, the way I spent the last 15. Even though I have consciously chosen recovery I still have those days where I mess up and feel like a failure. But they were more and closer together before. The recovery process doesn't start over every time I purge. The days leading up to the purge still count. What's important when a binge/purge occurs is picking myself up and starting again fresh and new the next day. A binge/purge doesn't equal relapse. Restricting for a day doesn't equal relapse. 

I am far from recovered but I am finally at point in my eating disorder where I can say I am ready to be in recovery. And I am ready to be in recovery for as long as it takes to reach a state of recovered.

That's it for now. But I leave you with my favourite quote it regards to recovery.

Until next time,

Peace & Love,

The Punk Rock Vegan