It wasn't a conscious decision on my part to stop taking laxatives and other weight loss pills, it just sort of happened. I hated that I took them. I hated that I knew I was addicted. I hated feeling like I couldn't stop, like I was trapped. For me laxatives were close to my rock bottom. They are a disgusting addiction. Last year I as hooked on a cocktail of weight loss related pills. On my worst day I was taking hundreds of laxatives at 25mg per pill, combined with water pills and other diuretics. I was at a point were I had tried several times to quit in the past and would stop for a good while, but I always seemed to start taking them again. Looking back laxatives are equal to hopelessness. I wanted to quit but I didn't know how to quit for good. I eventually made some progress. While I was still overdosing almost everyday, it was at 5mg per pill rather than 25mg. And I had stopped with the water pills. But I was still destroying my insides. I would take the pills at night and then I wouldn't be able to eat all the next day because of how bloated the pills would make me. Even if I did eat the food would just move the laxatives along and I would immediately have to use the bathroom. So I was better off just not eating until all the laxatives had passed and by then it was the evening again and I would repeat the cycle. It was around the new year of 2015 or so that I started to taking less and less. When I got my job I told myself I can never taking them if I have work the next day and kept this promise, mostly until my last pill.
After I moved back to Michigan in March of 2015 I was taking pills less and less. Until one day I realized I only had one pill left in the box. I ended up taking it and I had work the next day. I remember feeling the food in my stomach and just wishing it would come out of me. I thought since it was just one pill it wouldn't have such a huge affect, but I was wrong. The next day at work was horrible. I could barely sit up straight, my stomach hurt so much and I there was so much pressure you know where, I just wanted to live in the bathroom. Everyone at work was very concerned for me that day, since I kept going to the bathroom and I didn't look well and I wouldn't eat.
After that last pill I just didn't buy anymore. I guess that's how I've gone a whole year without laxatives; I just didn't buy them.
But oh my god, I've wanted to. I use the word 'addiction' to describe my relationship with laxatives for good reason. I am an addict. As crazy as it might sound, I crave laxatives. There have been nights where my stomach is so full and I'm in my car and I think to myself, "it would be so easy to just stop my the store and buy some." And I have to fight to drive straight home without stopping. That's the problem with laxatives. They are so easily attainable. And they are so cheap.
With any addiction some days are easier than others. When I clip coupons I find myself sometimes clipping coupons for laxatives and I just hold them and I have to tell myself to throw it out. Or I'm at the store I have to force myself to walk past that isle. There have been times where I find myself standing in front of the rows of pills and I'm not sure how I got there. My eating disorder wants me to stay sick and addicted and dependent on it. But I'm done with the ED winning.
My favorite part of not taking laxatives is I can finally enjoy my days. I don't have to worry that I won't make it to a bathroom ( I don't have to clench). If someone offers me something to eat, my stomach isn't bloated or feeling uneasy, so I can take a taste. Starting my job was the first subconscious push since I didn't want to be pooping at work all day. The second push was when I started dating my boyfriend (now my fiance), I wanted to be able to hang out with him and not be so "uptight" if you know what I mean. Being on laxatives really interferes with your social life. You're always worried you're going to shit your pants.
Going one whole year is a victory. And something to be proud of. For anyone who struggles with any sort of addiction, you don't have to wait until you're one year clean to be proud. Every month without, every week without, everyday without, every hour without is a victory.
Anyways, that's it for now, just thought I'd share.
Peace & Love,
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