New Year's Resolutions?

Hi there!
The last time I made a new year's resolution was January 2011. My resolution that year was to weigh 70 pounds. My boyfriend at the time supported this decision just as long as I did it in a healthy way. Just goes to show you how much he loved me, right? Just for the record there is no healthy way to weigh 70 pounds at age 17 with a height of 5'5". Needless to say that is probably the only new year's resolution I achieved. Sadly, it's true.

October 2010

May 2011

This blog post isn't meant to focus on my horrible, old mindset, the disgusting torture I put myself through or the thing I turned into. No, I want to briefly state why new year's resolutions, particularly weight oriented ones, why they are so dumb.

You make a promise to yourself on January 1st and on December 31st you beat yourself down for being a failure for not achieving your goal. Resolutions don't better yourself, rather they make you hate yourself for not sticking with a pointless promise. They glamorize societies obsession with a totally unattainable body image and continue to spread a preconceived idea of what people are supposed look like, weigh and their body shape. People want a quick fix and when they don't see the results they want right away they give up. If you must make a resolution, make one to be healthier not skinnier. Make small changes gradually to better yourself, both physically and mentally. And don't get caught up in the world's expectations. Always strive to be the best version of yourself, no one else. 

That's it for now. I hope everyone has a great 2017!

Peace & Love,

The Punk Rock Vegan

April 2016

New for November and The Battle of the Vegan Nog....

Hi there!
I have discovered some pretty delicious, new food items this month. I've been blown away by some of the vegan substitutes out there. Not to mention I've started using some new beauty products I'd like to share my opinion on. (That was some bad grammar)

1. The GFB Bites
Oh, my, goodness! I've had a lot of vegan, gluten free cookies in my day but I think I've found my new favorite. Or until the next amazing cookie comes along. I've seen many recipes on Pinterest and Instagram for "Energy Balls", "Protein Cookies"and many other varieties that resemble these GFB bites. The texture from the first bite is unexpected. You're thinking it's a soft cookie but remember it's gluten free which usually means dense. And it is but it's also got a chewiness to it that really delightful. I've only tried the Coconut Cashew Crunch and since it has coconut I loved it but I suspect the other flavors are just as good. There's a nice change in texture from the chewy "dough" to the nutty crunch of the cashews. Not too sweet but full of dessert flavors.

2. Daiya New York Cheezecake

I just about died and went to dessert heaven with this one. I've had about 5 different vegan cheesecakes in my lifetime. Many of which were homemade or from a specialty bakery, but honestly Daiya did it the best. At least that's my opinion. Maybe I need to re-try the other cakes I've tried before just to give a fair comparison because it has been a while but I still think I'll come to the same conclusion. Since it has been a while since I've had even a vegan cheesecake, I had to have my mother try it just to validate my belief that the taste was scary accurate. I think she was just as wowed with the creaminess and correct flavor. Even though I'm pretty satisfied with the New York style, I am eager to try out the other three flavors. I am quite impressed. Doesn't hurt that all Daiya products are gluten and soy free :)

This next one wasn't in my favs list but I feel obligated to mention it since I was so excited to finally get to try it, and it's a revolutionary landmark in the world of vegan foods.

3. The VeganEgg by Follow Your Heart

In all honesty, this is something I would not buy in the future, unless I had a specific use for it or someone asked me to make it for them. If you take any substance that has the texture of scrambled eggs, covered it with enough salt, pepper and ketchup, then yes, I would say this product simulates eggs. This is another occasion where I had to ask whether or not it tastes accurate, since the last time I had an egg was many, many years ago. The future-hubby says it tasted like eggs, so I'll take his word on it. I'm pretty sure we didn't add enough water so once it cooled it kinda clumped together into one yellow pile. I'm not knocking it. It just wasn't my cup of tea. I know there are a lot of people who really like the taste and texture, I'm just not one of them. However, there are rumors that later in 2017 Follow Your Heart will be coming out with the first liquid egg. Of course I will be trying this. 

Before I move into the beauty portion of this review post I want to mention something holiday related. Now a lot of vegans and non-vegans love Egg Nog, I do not. I've never liked it. It was always too thick and sometimes chunky and it smelled weird and no liquid should pour like that. But I am marrying an Egg Nog Lover. So with the holiday season in the air all dairy free companies are coming out with their own version of the Nog. And he and I must try them all. And I learned something; if normal Egg Nog had tasted like So Delicious' Holiday Nog way back when, then I would have enjoyed it so much more. So here is my final say on which company made it best.

1. I still need to try the Vanilla Chai Spice.

 2. The future-hubby would say this is #1. (And if you like the chocolate mint combination as I do, I would recommend you try So Delicious Mint Chocolate Drink. Yum, yum, yum :)

3. Disappointing. 

4. Never actually tried it, but Silk always comes in last, because, well it's Silk.

I have one beauty product to mention.

1. Alaffia Shampoo & Conditioner

If you're used to lather and suds when you shampoo and condition your hair, you're not going to get that with these products. It takes a little getting used to because you feel like you need to use more but you really don't. Of course I went with the coconut scent and it's mighty nice. It is on the pricier side but some of the proceeds go to charity which is great. 

Thanks for reading!

Peace & Love,

The Punk Rock Vegan

When Things Go Wrong In Recovery.....

Hi!
I recently experienced somewhat of an awakening; I don't handle change well. Don't get me wrong, I love trying new things, going new places and meeting new people. But when it comes to my day to day life I have a schedule and a plan and I stick to it. And when anything differentiates from my schedule I panic. I have anxiety and I am prone to anxiety/panic attacks in large groups of people, in new, unknown spaces and when sudden, unexpected changes occur. It came to my attention that I don't handle change well when the gym I go to (every single day) suddenly got ALL new equipment, without notice. At first I didn't see the changes, but something inside of me told me that there was something different about the gym. And it didn't feel good. I had grown so accustomed to how the machines looked and where they were located around the gym that when everything suddenly changed I felt lost and unsafe. Yes, it sounds silly but I have a point I promise. For a few days after the changes I felt uneasy going and working out. I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there because things weren't as I knew they should be. I felt like I couldn't use the new equipment because they were different. It had taken me so long to grow comfortable at the gym and now I felt like I had to start all over. Turns out they just all looked different. Everything is pretty much the same, just some things are in different places.

So I know this tale about the gym is silly but it goes to show that what some might find to be just simple, everyday changes, to others it can be a great ordeal. Moving right along to the big point of all this. The title of this blog post is 'When Things Go Wrong In Recovery'. Obviously you already knew that, as I am assuming you know how to read. While I handled this gym incident better than I could have, there are situations that I don't always handle the best. Situations that stem from what I call spontaneous changes. These changes are so sudden and pop out of no where that a panic/anxiety attack is induced. I want to go over my five steps to handling these situations without letting the eating disorder show its ugly face. 

If a sudden change occurs and anxiety and panic take over. You feel out of control, tossed into a pit of chaos. Normally your eating disorder seems like the only way to regain some control. Try this instead.

1. Tell yourself, "This feeling of panic/anxiety/stress/worry/nerves will not last forever."

2. Breath deeply.

3. Pray/meditate. 

4. Get out of the space you are in. Go outside. Go for walk/drive. Just get a change of scenery.

5. Distract yourself. Find an outlet of your stress, whether it be art, writing, reading or singing, just to name a few. Just find something.

Always remember to revisit the situation to find resolution, but only when you are calm and in a stable state of mind. Those are just my ideas for getting yourself through negative situations. It's important to find your own process. You're not always going to remember and follow your process every time there's a moment of panic. There are going to be slip ups. Recovery is about recognizing the slip ups, picking yourself up and starting over. And eventually you'll learn to recognize the signs before a slip up happens. 

When Things Go Wrong In Recovery (ED Recovery Advice) YOUTUBE VIDEO

That's it for now!
Peace & Love,
The Punk Rock Vegan

September Surprises....

Hi!
On my old blog I tried doing a post once a month dedicated to new discoveries (mostly food) and lessons I've learned or come across during that month. I did enjoy writing those because it gave me the opportunity to reflect on the past month and really see progress and growth or in some cases just sitting still. So I've decided to bring that concept into this new vamped blog and try to improve upon it each month. Since September is coming to a close next week and since I am trying to write more often what better topic to cover today than my 'September Obsessions' or whatever I will call this type of post. As I said in the first sentence much of these items will be food related, other categories may include music, beauty, fashion and recovery revelations and so on. Also, since this is my first post along these lines in a very long time I will be including items I've discovered before September but only ones that I have continued to use pretty regularly since then.

Let's just get into it.......

1. Zevia Soda Pop: I am not a huge carbonated beverage drinker, in fact the only time I consume such drinks is mixed with alcohol which I don't have very often. So needless to say it's been quite a few years since I've had a can of any fizzy concoction. So about a week or two ago when I suddenly had a craving for diet coke I was somewhat shocked. It wasn't the craving for soda pop that shocked me but which variation in particular that I was dying for...DIET COKE! Before I cut out soda I was a mountain dew or dr. pepper kinda girl not a diet anything but here I was wanting that fake, poisonous shit. Luckily, before I caved and purchased a bottle of diet coke my beautiful, wonderful boi intervened and told me about this carbonated beverage alternative they sell at his place of work called Zevia. And holy fucking shit! It is delish! This better not be like another Clearly Canadian and just fall off the face of the planet. I am hooked :)

2. Avocados: This might be strange to some but I'm calling this one a re-discovery. I love avocados but for a while there I was not eating them. As I began to take a serious focus on recovery I discovered Raw Till 4 and the high carb low fat vegan lifestyle. It worked for a while and not to get into too much detail (I'll save that for another time) but taught me how to eat. But what it also taught me was to fear fats and this included plant based fats such as avocados. But a few weeks ago I thought "enough is enough. I like avocados, so I am going to eat them." And that's what I did. I finally tried the whole avocado and tomatoes on toast and man I have been missing out. Everyone should definitely try that little recipe. It's so simple and so good.

 3. Van's Cinnamon Heaven Cereal: If you're looking for a good gluten-free Cinnamon Toast Crunch alternative I highly recommend Cinnamon Heaven from the brand Van's Natural Foods. They make so many delicious vegan and gluten-free products. I will say the cereal is not as sweet as the original by General Mills but it comes pretty close compared to other options out there. Another good option is Cinnamon Chex, which I have also started eating this past month or so.

4. Increasing weight at the gym: SAY WHAT?! Yes, I lift. Yes, I squat. Yes, I was scared to increase the weight I lifted. I had this fear that if I increased the weights I would somehow grow into a she-hulk. Ridiculous, I know but the fear was there. I got over it when I accidentally squatted more than I ever had before, thinking the weight plates were my norm. I realized that I am capable of so much more than I was doing and that I have a tiny frame and  I am most likely going to remain so regardless of how much I lift. So since then I have been gradually increasing the weight I lift and guess what?! I'm no she-hulk. I hope to be able to squat my body weight by the new year's or so.

5. Halestorm (The band): I could rock out to this chick all day long. While many of her lyrics come across as sleazy or shallow and maybe I'm just a shallow person, but I find her songs empowering and encouraging. 'Freak Like Me' is my go-to song and it plays about 3-10 times on my ipod while at the gym. Not to mention anything loud and heavy with a good amount of base never hurt anyone.

6. Acne Dote and Fast Fix by Alba Botanica: I have been looking for a good vegan face scrub that would be gentle yet affective for sensitive and acne prone skin. Acne Dote is the brand Alba Botanica's strongest acne scrub but it is gentle and smells good. Oh and it sparkles! It's slow to take affect at first but keep using at it and once your skin adjusts it's a solid purchase. A little on the pricier side but I have seen smaller containers but more expensive by other brands. Fast Fix is also by Alba Botanica and is a tinted spot treatment for break outs. This one smells like burning tires but I find it works wonders. You can wear it as make up, under or over make up. I start with it and then put my foundation over. I recommend not using powder with it at first because I found the combination of spot treatment, foundation and powder can dry out your skin depending on your skin type. 

To be continued....

Peace & Love, 

The Punk Rock Vegan

I Can Thank My Eating Disorder For That....

Hi! (WARNING TRIGGERING!!!)

I have A LOT of things that I can thank my eating disorder for. Things like my laxative addiction, anorexia developing into bulimia, my bad relationship with food, my lack of self-confidence and so on...but if it wasn't for my eating disorder (and my constant need to control everything) I would not have found the healthiest way of life for me. I'm talking about veganism.

So how could veganism save my life? And what does my eating disorder have to do with me becoming a vegan? I see it this way, my eating disorder used vegetarianism and then eventually veganism as a way for me to control and limit what I ate. These dietary restrictions gave me the perfect excuse to say "no thank you" when offered something to eat. And it was an acceptable excuse. Being able to decline food with veganism as my reason allowed my eating disorder to take a back seat while tricking me into thinking I was in control. The ED tricked me into believing every time I said "no thanks" I was doing it in the name of veganism and a worthy cause, rather than in the name of starvation and means to kill myself.

So far you probably have a bad view of veganism based on what I'm telling you here but let me continue...

What I am about to say might offend people but it's the truth. Keeping an eating disorder fed rather than feeding your body requires you to be selfish. This is why the ED tries to isolate you from other people, so you feel unsupported and rejected. Eating disorders say it's all about ME ME ME! But here's the switch with veganism. Veganism says it's all about THEM THEM THEM! When you take the focus off yourself and place it on others the eating disorder can't thrive. And that's what I did. I submerged myself into the vegan community and started learning. I wanted to know everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. I learned everything from the horrific, cruel side of the animal agriculture industry and the use of animals in the fashion world, all the way to the positive impact veganism has on the planet. I came to realize that before I liked animals but I didn't care about them. But that changed as my eyes and heart were opened, I began to love them. I began to see that this world is so much bigger than me and my eating disorder.

And as I learned I discovered the health side of veganism and the vegan fitness world. I started to look up to vegan role models and vegans, who just like me, used to struggle with eating disorders and disordered eating. So that ME ME ME chant, turned to THEM THEM THEM and then eventually it became US US US! Which is what veganism is all about; every living thing in the world living together in harmony in a natural and positive way. 

People think veganism is restrictive but it actually taught me how to eat and not just eat, but eat in abundance. Nourishing my body and my mind with healthy, pure and clean nutrients. I learned to feed my body not my eating disorder. This is why when people judge or ridicule me or laugh at me for my veganism it hurts me do deeply. Because without veganism I probably would be dead. 

Yes, I used veganism to feed my ED at the beginning. But then I used veganism to starve my ED.

Thanks for reading. That's it for now.

Peace & Love,

The Punk Rock Vegan

Recovery Has Its Set Backs....

No one ever said recovery was going to be easy. In fact, most people who have experienced recovery will tell you it's very, very difficult. But they know it's worth it. With any life changing process you gotta take it one day at a time and once one day is over you have to put yesterday behind you. View everyday as a new day, no fuck ups and you're a new person every morning. You can't dwell on the mistakes of yesterday. Because in recovery there are going to be mistakes and set backs but you keep pushing through and you keep fighting. Because your life is something worth fighting for.

Time to get real personal...Back near the beginning of July I became very constipated and had heavy bleeding from my bum. I was also finding it difficult to breath. I was recommended kombucha and kitchari to help with my poor digestion but that didn't help it only seemed to make it worse, well the kombucha did. So despite my hatred of doctors I went to see mine. This was around early August, after going three weeks barely able to poop. The doctor attributed the shortness of breath to my anxiety, the bleeding to hemorrhoids (lovely)  and the constipated to not enough water and eating foods that don't sit well in my stomach like wheat. But just to be on the safe side she had me do some blood tests. Now this is a big deal seeing as I've never allowed blood tests before and I'm terrified on needles. Well I did it....not so bad. The point of this delightful description of my bodily issues was just background as I got to the results of my blood tests. So what's went wrong? 

I have hypothyroidism; under-active thyroid. In other words my thyroid either doesn't produce enough of the thyroid hormone necessary for digesting food or it doesn't produce any. 

What needs to be done? Now I have to do something else I don't like, taking medication. I have to take a pill which is a concentrated dose of the thyroid hormone. Luckily it's one of the lowest dosages possible. In addition to medication I am also being careful and avoiding as best as possible foods I know are harsh on my stomach like wheat and heavy fatty foods.

This diagnosis is not ideal for someone like me trying to recovery from an eating disorder. Recovery says to not focus on food and hypothyroidism says to watch what you eat. You can see how this can be a dangerous combination. Is this problem triggering? Yes. Am I going to allow myself to be triggered? No. As best as I can.

It's just about being careful, listening to your body not the eating disorder, focusing on getting better and being aware.

That's it for now!
Peace & Love,
The Punk Rock Vegan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=us83928qdMk

Back in July, 2015

1 year ago in July 2015 I took my last laxative pill.....

It wasn't a conscious decision on my part to stop taking laxatives and other weight loss pills, it just sort of happened. I hated that I took them. I hated that I knew I was addicted. I hated feeling like I couldn't stop, like I was trapped. For me laxatives were close to my rock bottom. They are a disgusting addiction. Last year I as hooked on a cocktail of weight loss related pills. On my worst day I was taking hundreds of laxatives at 25mg per pill, combined with water pills and other diuretics. I was at a point were I had tried several times to quit in the past and would stop for a good while, but I always seemed to start taking them again. Looking back laxatives are equal to hopelessness. I wanted to quit but I didn't know how to quit for good. I eventually made some progress. While I was still overdosing almost everyday, it was at 5mg per pill rather than 25mg. And I had stopped with the water pills. But I was still destroying my insides. I would take the pills at night and then I wouldn't be able to eat all the next day because of how bloated the pills would make me. Even if I did eat the food would just move the laxatives along and I would immediately have to use the bathroom. So I was better off just not eating until all the laxatives had passed and by then it was the evening again and I would repeat the cycle. It was around the new year of 2015 or so that I started to taking less and less. When I got my job I told myself I can never taking them if I have work the next day and kept this promise, mostly until my last pill.

After I moved back to Michigan in March of 2015 I was taking pills less and less. Until one day I realized I only had one pill left in the box. I ended up taking it and I had work the next day. I remember feeling the food in my stomach and just wishing it would come out of me. I thought since it was just one pill it wouldn't have such a huge affect, but I was wrong. The next day at work was horrible. I could barely sit up straight, my stomach hurt so much and I there was so much pressure you know where, I just wanted to live in the bathroom. Everyone at work was very concerned for me that day, since I kept going to the bathroom and I didn't look well and I wouldn't eat.

After that last pill I just didn't buy anymore. I guess that's how I've gone a whole year without laxatives; I just didn't buy them.

But oh my god, I've wanted to. I use the word 'addiction' to describe my relationship with laxatives for good reason. I am an addict. As crazy as it might sound, I crave laxatives. There have been nights where my stomach is so full and I'm in my car and I think to myself, "it would be so easy to just stop my the store and buy some." And I have to fight to drive straight home without stopping. That's the problem with laxatives. They are so easily attainable. And they are so cheap.

With any addiction some days are easier than others. When I clip coupons I find myself sometimes clipping coupons for laxatives and I just hold them and I have to tell myself to throw it out. Or I'm at the store I have to force myself to walk past that isle. There have been times where I find myself standing in front of the rows of pills and I'm not sure how I got there. My eating disorder wants me to stay sick and addicted and dependent on it. But I'm done with the ED winning.

My favorite part of not taking laxatives is I can finally enjoy my days. I don't have to worry that I won't make it to a bathroom ( I don't have to clench). If someone offers me something to eat, my stomach isn't bloated or feeling uneasy, so I can take a taste. Starting my job was the first subconscious push since I didn't want to be pooping at work all day. The second push was when I started dating my boyfriend (now my fiance), I wanted to be able to hang out with him and not be so "uptight" if you know what I mean. Being on laxatives really interferes with your social life. You're always worried you're going to shit your pants.

Going one whole year is a victory. And something to be proud of. For anyone who struggles with any sort of addiction, you don't have to wait until you're one year clean to be proud. Every month without, every week without, everyday without, every hour without is a victory.

Anyways, that's it for now, just thought I'd share.
                                                                                    Peace & Love,

The Punk Rock Vegan